The Secret of Life

Scene Setting: Today is chemo #5 of 6. I am heavy hearted and angry about the deaths in Orlando.To rant for  a second, how in the world can we continue to justify a law that makes it so easy for people to purchase weapons ? The excuse that makes me the most angry is, “if everyone has a gun then there would be no violence” even though there is tons of evidence to the contrary. 310 million guns in the U.S. and no one was equipped or ready to pulled a gun on the shooter. And the solution is that we need more guns?

Unbelievable and awful.

I am in the St. Charles infusion room. Chemo treatment #5 is in full swing, pre-meds are done and Rituxan is going in at 100mg/hr on the way up to 400 mg/hr if I don’t start shaking or break out in a rash (I won’t, incidentally). Today appears to be “back to the 70’s and 80’s day” in terms of the music mix they are playing.  Elton John – Candle in the Wind,  King Harvest  – Dancin’ in the Moonlight, Procol Harum – White Shade of Pale, etc.  Moe is here with me, we’re both working on our computers but we’re breathing the same air and that’ll do for me.

It’s as if I picked the mix.  Every third song is James Taylor.  Yes, that’s right, James is my go – to artist. Laugh if you like, but what’s so is so.  James is the singer/musician who’s music I can listen to any time and any place and feel good about it.

On comes “The Secret of Life” and I start crying.  Moe asks me what the words are stirring up in me and I can’t talk about it. I think she feels rejected because I have said that several times recently.    I can feel the end of my treatment approaching, and it feels great, but I don’t feel emotionally prepared or equipped to handle what comes next, which is a return to “normal” life, as if there is such a thing.  I am full-up with emotions I can’t describe, but as so often it happens,  James’ words hit the center of my heart:

The secret of love is in opening up your heart
It’s okay to feel afraid
But don’t let that stand in your way
’cause anyone knows that love is the only road
And since we’re only here for a while
Might as well show some style
Give us a smile

Isn’t it a lovely ride
Sliding down
Gliding down
Try not to try too hard
It’s just a lovely ride

Listen for yourself: James Taylor – Secret O’ Life Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Heavy hearted for the victims and their families and loved ones in Orlando.  If love is the only road, than when does it get to win a big one?



6 thoughts on “The Secret of Life

  1. Hey Jim,

    Patti and I holding space for you here.

    More on Orlando, guns, insanity, the politics of hate and of self destruction etc…on you private address later.


    Liked by 1 person

  2. “I’m gonna inject your soul with some sweet rock ‘n roll and shoot you full of rhythm and blues.” – Steamroller

    Keep steamrolling this thing Jim!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Once again I am moved by your writing Jim. Thank you so much for your willingness to share what is going on with you. I love seeing you walk your talk and as I learned in the daring way workshop, I see the value in being vulnerable. I find it more inspiring when a man is willing to be vulnerable since I see that much less. I have read all your posts, and have wanted to write before, but my “busyness” has always pulled me away, or my fear of being a poor writer always seems to stop me. Today however, I find myself with the space to write and I’m inspired by the thought of James Taylor as well. I do love his music too. What a gem. I am sorry you have been going through this very un-fun treatment and I know you are doing your best with it. Please know you have been in my thoughts more than you know and I sure hope I will get to see you again before too long! Keep the words coming, I love reading them. Hugsxoxo Debi


    • Wow, what a great post, thanks Debi. It actually is a good thing for me, learning to say what’s in my heart not just in my head that is. I think you’re right, we men are acculturated to share our thoughts, not our feelings. Moe an I laugh, there are times it takes me DAYS to figure out what it is that I actually feel!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s